re-do

This morning I did it again, hopefully for the last time ever, but it's out of my hands at this point and all I'm left with is a fading anxious feeling.

I completely blocked so much of the summer bar exam out of my mind that when I got to Tacoma early this morning I suddenly had a flood of emotions and anxiety and memories that weren't there before. It's confusing to me how I block things out. Maybe if I would have remembered all of the fear and anxiety and awfulness I would have started studying earlier than I did this time around. Maybe not though.

I got to the convention center early, not feeling particularly ethical, found a corner and huddled up on the floor clutching my paper cup of black coffee and re-reading my professional responsibility outline for the 100th time until it was time to go in to take the test.

When I finally went into the room I forgot about the awful proctor, and the exam passwords, and the anxiety and fear, and the thirst, and how long the whole thing feels when you're in the middle of it and you just want to be done. But this time instead of rushing through, only looking for the finish, I took my time and I typed and made notes and thought about my answers until there were only 2 minutes to go. I'm not sure how I did (because clearly, it's hard to gauge these things) but it's over. And that feels good.

5 things

1. I got my bar results back on Friday morning, a little after midnight (talk about tired and delusional, that is way past my bedtime). The verdict: I passed the substantive portion (which is the big, two day long, know all the laws part) and failed the (two hour) professional responsibility part at the end. So I technically did not pass and I will be re-taking (only) the PR portion in February. Wah wah.

2. I'm loving my new job. So much. Microsoft is #totesamaze. Also high-five to myself for having a job that doesn't care that I didn't pass all of the bar, am I right?

3. I participated in a little fall friendship swap recently and I got my box of fall goodness last nigh. I was paired with Arika and she sent me these awesome goodies (nail polish, a nail file, a yummy candle, tea, and an awesome cookbook):

Yes, I was wearing a Canadian Tuxedo. Bam! #denimondenimlove

4. The rain is officially back in Seattle. Hello 9 million months of winter (and by winter I mean rain). Time to bust out the boots.

5. I went home a few weekends back for hops fest and my friend Jessica's baby shower and my dad's birthday and some BFF time. I packed so much into one weekend, but it was so good. I still need to blog about it. In the mean time though, I'll share with you one of my favorite parts of the weekend:

Hanging out with KITTENS! Fluffy is a cat-uncle. They are the cutest, fluffiest kittens. A trip back home to visit them (and my Fluffy cat, who will always be my favorite) is definitely in order soon.

5 Bar Exam Things

1. I am FINISHED with the Washington State Bar Exam. Longest three days of my life (+8 weeks of studying) and I could not be happier to have the day off today. The only day I took off during all of bar prep was the 4th of July (because it is my favorite holiday), so I am thoroughly enjoying my leisurely morning (read: pizza for breakfast with my roommate). Also we’re having a party at our house later, so yay!

2. My butt is bruised from sitting in that chair for so long during the test. I also have bruises on my arms from where they rested on the lip at the edge of the table while I was typing the test. Brutal.

3. I am pretty sure that no matter what anyone says, or what advice you get, no one can ever really prepare you for the experience that is the bar. I think the most important thing to remember if you ever take it is: take a bar prep class (I liked my BARBRI course) and then study all day every day before the test. Minus the 4th of July. Take that day off and don’t feel guilty about it. But wake up, study all day, go to bed and do it again. Every single day. It’s the only way to get your stamina where it needs to be so you can endure three days of testing and so that you will feel that you prepared as well as you could have prepared. You don’t want to be one of those people vomiting or crying in the middle of the test.

4. If you ever take the bar: stay in a hotel across the street from the testing center. My roommate and I split a hotel room in Tacoma, across the street from the convention center, and it was the best decision. Also bring lots of snacks to your hotel room. Unhealthy snacks like bagels and Doritos. And go out for dinner. And go on walks after you finish the test each day. Then study more before bed.

5. The day the test is done you’ll want to just lay and never move or think again. You’ll be so exhausted. More exhausted than you’ve ever been, but, get up, eat something, and go out. Have a drink. Be with your friends. Look like a beautiful princess in real clothes, with really dirty hair (see picture above). It will make you feel normal again, and feeling normal is the best.

P.S. I DID IT!

gametime (YIKES)!

In just a few hours I’m heading down to Tacoma. To take the bar. YIKES!

The test doesn’t start until tomorrow morning (6am. Again, YIKES), but my roommate and I booked a hotel room across the street from the convention center. Because that commute just sounds unbearable after DAYS of testing and leaves too many things to potentially go wrong. So yes. Tacoma, here we come, today.

I’ve stocked up on granola bars, bagels, and Doritos (because you know, it’s the bar and I have no shame or worry of calories). And, I’m hoping that everything goes smoothly. You know, because even the thought of seemingly minor things like my nail polish chipping during the bar makes me want to cry anxious tears. Needless to say, the stress has finally hit, in a big way, over the last few days.

So friends, I’ll see you on the other side (that means Thursday afternoon). And hopefully I’ll never have to do this again. -- “do it once, do it right, never do it again” right, BARBRI? RIGHT!

some instagrammed things as of lately

As most of you know, I’ve been spending almost every moment of my time studying for the bar which means I’ve basically been living at the library. So exciting.

This last weekend, however, I had little lighter load than usual (only 3 essays on Sunday and Saturday I finished around 5pm – seriously exciting stuff) so Dustin and I did some non-study-related-activities!

On Saturday night we went out to dinner at Skillet where I had the BEST grilled cheese of my life (cheddar, brie and bacon jam on brioche bread). Go there, eat it, thank me later.

Dustin had never been to Skillet before so it was fun to take him somewhere new. We were both really happy with our meals. I wish I would have taken a picture!

After dinner we headed back to Dustin’s neighborhood and spent the evening having a drank and playing some darts and shuffleboard before ending our night at the Baranoff where there was karaoke, a man juggling and people basically having sex. In the bar. I saw a bare butt. #crazy

Oh, and did I mention: Dustin got new glasses and they look SOOO good. I’m even more in love. I didn’t think that was possible, you guys!

After our night out on Saturday, I woke up Sunday morning and did some more studying. Later that afternoon, though, I took a break and we went to Nordstrom Rack to get me some new jeans. My $10 pair from F21 were getting so sad that even Dustin noticed. He’s the sweetest. Thank you, Dustin:

Sunday night Dustin grilled us oysters (SO nom), and kabobs. I love being cooked for during bar prep. It’s one of my new favorite things!! So like, if you want to invite me over for dinner and you won’t be offended by my stress level and messy bun, that’d be cool ha!

Also this weekend, and for the past couple of weeks (basically since I started bar prep) Dustin and I have been working on a puzzle which has consumed his dining room table. Wholesome fun, you guys!!

Good times.

Oh and in case you were wondering, I’ve been eating the same thing for dinner, like, every day, except for when Dustin cooks for me. But it’s good. I’ll share, in case you’re curious (and if it makes you feel sad, like I said, you can always cook me some dinner):

Mix some of the bruchetta mix from Trader Joe’s (the kind in the refrigerated section) with some bread crumbs and some parmasean cheese. Scrape the yucky parts of the inside of a portobello mushroom out, fill with the mix, sprinkle with a little extra parmasean if you’re feeling crazy, and then bake for 12 min at 400 degrees. So good.

Ok that’s all for now, back to studying (today is Administrative law).

I don’t want it to be tomorrow

I start bar prep tomorrow and I’m not going to lie, I am completely terrified. I do not want to do it. It is finally hitting me – I am going to have to spent the next 9 weeks studying. Not doing anything else; waking up, going to my $3,000 bar prep class, then studying until I go to sleep. That is going to be my life. And I do not want to do it. I want to have time for my boyfriend and my friends and my family and the sun. I want to have Rebeka time. The thought of not having those things is terrifying.

I’m afraid I won’t have the stamina to study as much as they say I need to study.

I’m afraid I am going to work really hard, and it still won’t be hard enough.

I’m afraid I’m going to fail.

I’m also afraid that I’m going to become depressed.

And to be honest, none of that sounds like fun. And I can’t stop thinking about how non-fun it sounds. And I woke up with a stomach ache, and I’ve had it all day. Because I’m afraid and nervous. The bar is already sucking and I haven’t even started yet.

But hopefully it’ll all be worth it. Right?

In the mean time, if you’re thinking about going to law school, don’t. Ha. I kid (mostly).