re-do

This morning I did it again, hopefully for the last time ever, but it's out of my hands at this point and all I'm left with is a fading anxious feeling.

I completely blocked so much of the summer bar exam out of my mind that when I got to Tacoma early this morning I suddenly had a flood of emotions and anxiety and memories that weren't there before. It's confusing to me how I block things out. Maybe if I would have remembered all of the fear and anxiety and awfulness I would have started studying earlier than I did this time around. Maybe not though.

I got to the convention center early, not feeling particularly ethical, found a corner and huddled up on the floor clutching my paper cup of black coffee and re-reading my professional responsibility outline for the 100th time until it was time to go in to take the test.

When I finally went into the room I forgot about the awful proctor, and the exam passwords, and the anxiety and fear, and the thirst, and how long the whole thing feels when you're in the middle of it and you just want to be done. But this time instead of rushing through, only looking for the finish, I took my time and I typed and made notes and thought about my answers until there were only 2 minutes to go. I'm not sure how I did (because clearly, it's hard to gauge these things) but it's over. And that feels good.

I don’t want it to be tomorrow

I start bar prep tomorrow and I’m not going to lie, I am completely terrified. I do not want to do it. It is finally hitting me – I am going to have to spent the next 9 weeks studying. Not doing anything else; waking up, going to my $3,000 bar prep class, then studying until I go to sleep. That is going to be my life. And I do not want to do it. I want to have time for my boyfriend and my friends and my family and the sun. I want to have Rebeka time. The thought of not having those things is terrifying.

I’m afraid I won’t have the stamina to study as much as they say I need to study.

I’m afraid I am going to work really hard, and it still won’t be hard enough.

I’m afraid I’m going to fail.

I’m also afraid that I’m going to become depressed.

And to be honest, none of that sounds like fun. And I can’t stop thinking about how non-fun it sounds. And I woke up with a stomach ache, and I’ve had it all day. Because I’m afraid and nervous. The bar is already sucking and I haven’t even started yet.

But hopefully it’ll all be worth it. Right?

In the mean time, if you’re thinking about going to law school, don’t. Ha. I kid (mostly).

bleh bleh bleh

in which I vent, feel free to skip this one:

I woke up this morning when Dustin left for work and I just wasn’t feeling it (and when I say it, I mean today). It’s a bummer to wake up feeling like that, you know? So I got out of bed, tried to shake the feeling, gave Dustin some hugs and a kiss and sent him out the door. Then I made coffee and took a few sips before I just gave up and crawled back into bed and I tried my hardest to go back to sleep for the sole purpose of sleeping the whole day away. It was one of those mornings that I haven’t had in so long. And I promise you I didn’t miss them.

I fell back asleep only to dream that my landlord was tearing the tub out of my house and he found a bunch of dead rats and also a dead raccoon in our wall. I swear I could smell it in my sleep. And then this guy had a key to our house, and I hated it, and then he stole money from me. I hated that too.

I woke up 20 minutes later, potentially feeling worse than before, finished my coffee and forced myself into the shower.

I want to go back to my home. I’m tired of living out of a pile of my things on the floor. I don’t want to be a burden but I also don’t want to vomit from the sheer smell of my home. #conflicted. BTW that happened last week. The vomit. TMI? Sorry.

Oh and let me tell you also that Vegas was just a disaster, you guys. So much drama (stupid ex girlfriends). And I don’t ever want to think about it again. But there were some good Rebeka + Dustin parts (ex: the Viva Elvis Cirque de Soleil show we went to on Friday night, and dancing around by ourselves, and eating crepes) so maybe I’ll blog about them when I’m not so upset about the drama.

Maybe I’m experiencing some post-vacation blues (major sunburn all over my backside, blues). Or maybe it’s the rainy Seattle week blues. Or maybe it’s the displacement. Or maybe it’s just life. But I hope I snap out of it soon.

I lied, here is one vegas picture. Saturday night fun: Have I mentioned lately that he’s the best? He’s holding me together. And I love him for that (and so many other things too). Thanks, you.

Stress and Things

So, I’m in my last week of school before finals start. And the stress is already killer. I ate at this Ramen place with Dustin last night and like immediately afterwards my body was like “F YOU for trying to eat this OR ANYTHING!” And now, I’m dying. Just dying. I think it’s stress induced mostly. But vomming and feeling super dizzy when I should be finishing a final paper that’s due tomorrow and worth 100% of my grade is no fun, NO FUN AT ALL!

But briefly I’ll tell you something that was fun: girl’s night! This happened Friday in Hood River after some belated birthday celebration with Beth and Marissa (my favorites)! We started at Brian’s Basement Bar and then frolicked around Hood River in a pack, and didn’t hang out with boys and danced and were silly and it was a lot of fun! OH, and I wore my fur vest which I loved, except when it was 1000 degrees at Jack’s dancing. That was really hot. BUT, here is a shot of all of us:

Anyway I came back to Seattle on Saturday. When I got back into town Dustin took me bowling in Bellevue and it was fun. Minus the fact that I got a 34. Because clearly I’m really good at bowling. But that’s beside the point. Bowling with Dustin = good/fun/not stressful. OH and after our bowling we played arcade games. Dustin won at air hockey, which is my favorite, so it’s a good thing I’m not competitive (true story, competitive people stress me out). And we played racing games and other fun games and I liked it very much.

And now I’m having a I don’t want to put on makeup or get out of bed type of day, which is very unlike me. I blame the stress. I think it has been hiding and it’s finally starting to emerge. So question for all of you: how do you deal with stress? I’d really like to hear your advice, because this whole eating ramen and rice then being sick for dayz because I’m too stressed to handle food thing isn’t working for me (side note: I know it’s not food poison b/c Dustin tried both my soup and my rice and he’s fine).

Now back to writing my Indianz paper and trying not to vom anymore.

P.S. sorry for all the talk about vom today

Busiest

I thought 3Ls didn’t do homework and didn’t learn anything? So false in my case. I’ve been SO busy and have been learning so much new stuff. Stuff I suppose in this case means real life lawyer skills.

I told you all the other day that I went to court for the first time ever last week. True story.

I am a Rule 9 intern for the the Youth Advocacy Clinic via the Ronald A. Peterson law clinic at SU Law. It has been taking up my whole life. But, that’s not the point of the story. The point of the story is that I went to court.

I did a first appearance hearing for a youth who was being held in juvenile detention. I just deferred to the court on the issue of probable cause, but I fought for his release and ultimately won a full release for him (even though the judge released him with a no contact order (between him and the complaining witness, AKA his girlfriend – they were both pretty upset about it, but it was only for 3 days, so I’m sure they got over it)).

So, I got a real life client, I was assigned to him at about 8:30am, went to court (where I argued in front of a real life judge) around 3pm, and it was one of the most stressful, extreme learning experiences of my life. And also it was rad.

And then I took a tequila shot with the other guy who also had a client that day. And then we went to class. Then I was exhausted.

I get a full case assignment next week. Talk about exhausted from stress. I can’t wait…

And I felt like a grown up. Kind of.

But then last night I came home to Hood River and things like this happened (Yosh wearing and licking my unicorn necklace) and I realized that maybe I’m not such a grownup after all:

I love it here.

Mug & Emotion

I’ve been having a weird week. In a good way, though. And I’ve decided that I have overly strong emotions. Like I shouldn’t feel this extreme all the time (about everything). I don’t think it’s normal, and I don’t think that normal people feel this way. It causes me extreme amounts of anxiety. But it also causes me extreme amounts of joy. It’s like I can’t just be in the middle. And right now I just really want to be in the middle. I want to be content. I want to be calm. I’m pretty sure my overactive emotions are making me fat from stress and going to cause me to die early, again, from the stress.

Or maybe I’m just PMSing?

On the bright side, I get to have no boyz allowed dinner tonight with my law school favorites. They always listen to my crazy girl emotions. That’s good for me. It makes me feel more settled. And then maybe after that I will pick up a new French Press from someone who doesn’t use theirs anymore because they are rad and I am too cheap to buy a new one. Then I will probably just end up feeling more emotional all over again from the normal human interaction and the caffeine (stupid caffeine, I’m so addicted to you, and you get me so worked up). Standard.

I’m tired of being over stimulated. That’s not what she said, BTW.

On the bright side, though, this morning we had an early morning meeting for the law journal I’m (we’re) starting (the American Indian Law Journal – yep, that’s right). Well I guess that isn’t the bright side. The bright side, instead, was that Professor Eberhard (aka Eric) brought the 4 of us these mugs:

Now, most of you already now how I feel about all things Pendleton. But if you don’t know, I love Pendleton. Not so much the town, that town gives me anxiety after my internship, but the woolen mills and the things that come from there are rad. I digress…

Anyway, I was really excited about my new mug. It’s big and awesome. That is what she said! Ha.

And now I should stop this and go read for Intellectual Property like a good student. Right. Best student EVER right here!

cheers to the (much needed) weekend

Here are a few things that are making me smile an inside joke kind of smile right now:

Now you're a supermodel and I'm a motherfucking bear and we're literally the same exact person. It's weird.

&

Because sometimes, you'll be thinking about something, and then you'll have that weird "something is going to happen today, something isn't right" feeling and then 2 hours later you'll get a text message about the thing you were thinking about (or three) that just kind of ruins your day. Then you'll have to go to a CLE and a training and you'll want to die from boredom and hatred at both because of your awful, werid day. And then you'll know that you're being dramatic but you just can't help it because you're in such a bad mood. Then you'll go drink Double Mountain beer with Stacy after a very sweaty walk. And it will make you want to be in Hood River with your besties. And then you'll come home and you'll have more dramatic text messages. And you'll want to punch someone in shin, or the soul. But you have to keep telling yourself that soon you'll have friends and wine and fun. And time heals all. It can't be bad always. Things will get better. But first you need to look at/listen to inside joke kind of cheery things.

So that's why right now you're reading this post instead of wedding part two and maybe part three.

Also I owe you a post about how I went to court yesterday for the first time ever (as someone's attorney) and it was awesome.

But that will come after a shower and new makeup and wine. And maybe some sleep too.

cheers to the weekend
xxoo